Let's talk about regret when it comes to abortion

When the abortion industry talks about how no one or almost no one regrets their abortions, not only are they erasing so many people who do admit to regretting it, they are being manipulative by twisting what it means to regret. With the average issue, to regret something means to wish it hadn't been done, but abortion is a bit more complicated because of the fact that people don't typically do it while feeling like they have endless equal options at their disposal.

When someone who has had an abortion says they don't regret it, they often include things like, "but I still grieve my child years later", "but I cry every day", "but I still have nightmares", "but I still struggle with depression from it", "but I attempted suicide from it" etc. This is even a common theme on Shout Your Abortion. This happens because people who have abortions were made to feel that they had no other choice. When you are made to feel like there was no other option there, even if you didn't want to do something, you may not necessarily phrase it as if you regret it. You may regret being put in that position, regret that in your mind it had to happen, regret the circumstances that made it happen and so on and so forth, but in your mind, there was no other way out so therefore it's not possible to regret the action itself given the circumstances you were in. It's like the phrase "I did the best with what I had."

Think of the trolley problem. The two options in the trolley problem are to pull the lever and the trolley kills one person, or not do anything and the trolley kills 5. No matter what your decision is, you may end up saying that you don't regret it, even if you have panic attacks and flashbacks because you played a part in someone dying, because in your mind, you had no other choice. But, if you later found out that there was a third option of pulling a different lever and having the trolley move onto a track that killed no one, you may then start to say you do regret it because you regret not looking for the other options that were there the whole time. You regret not trying hard to make sure no one died. You regret killing someone in a situation where you now realize that no one had to die.

This is what typically happens with people who have had abortions. They say they didn't regret it until they find out about safe haven laws and realize they could have just given the baby to a hospital for instance, or the various financial avenues to help struggling parents, or the fact that open adoption allows you to have a relationship with the child, or the fact that kinship and guardianshipcare can keep the kid close to you in the family and can be temporary, or the fact that it's illegal to pressure someone into an abortion and they could have gotten help to get away from those who were pressuring them. There are endless other choices people have that those who get abortions often aren't told about by clinic workers. People typically don't have informed consent when it comes to getting abortions.

The reason it's problematic for the abortion industry to use this to say that most people don't regret their abortions is because it implies that most people are happy with it, felt no grief, no depression, and just carry about their lives without a care in the world. This is far from reality. People will still have the same exact emotions as those who say they do regret it, they just won't think of them in terms of regret because they felt like there was nothing else they could have possibly done. But in the ways that people typically think of the word regret, they did regret it, because they didn't want it to happen. They just didn't know that they had various ways out of that situation. 

Not wanting kids doesn't make us any more likely to abuse them

Pro-choicers have a tendency to say that having a kid that you don't want means that you will abuse them. For some reason, this oppression against people who don't want kids goes unchallenged, even as pro-choicers claim to support our right to be childfree. But you cannot stand for our rights while saying we're more likely to abuse kids than people who want them. All that does is "other" us and make it seem like you think our natural state of being is abusive, or at least abusive toward vulnerable children, which is even worse and such a huge and patronizing slap in the face.

This doesn't make you seem like you care about someone's right to choose, it makes you seem like assholes. We are not ANY more likely to abuse someone just because we don't want them. We have empathy, a conscience, and the ability to reason. We have the same ability to treat children with respect, kindness, compassion, and love as anyone who wants kids. Just like if someone were to drop a random 5 year old off at the house of someone who wanted kids and there was no one there to take care of them, they would treat them with respect and kindness they deserve even though that particular child was unwanted, the same goes for people who don't want kids having to take care of one from birth. 

How fucking dare you. How dare you act like the simple concept of not wanting kids makes us abusive. How dare you act like abuse is about not wanting kids when so many people who were planned and wanted were abused, and so many people who were unwanted were shown love and respect. Abuse has nothing to do with wantedness and everything to do with the parents being raised to believe that things like spanking and tough love and screaming aren't abuse and are actually good for the kid. Most abusive parents don't think of themselves as abusers at all, they think they were good parents. How dare you look down upon someone who just gave birth without wanting to and act like they will then abuse the child. 

To go through all the complicated feelings that come along with having a child without wanting to is a vulnerable process, and those dealing with it deserve a hell of a lot better than so called "pro-choicers" claiming that they will hurt these vulnerable beings because of it. To support people's right to be childfree by choice is to cut out this narrative and understand that someone isn't lacking compassion just because they don't want someone else.